YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN... 1: You refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables"; 2: You can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced. 3: The new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine. 4: You've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site. 5: You can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning. 6: You have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair. 7: You know all the late night security guards at the client site on a first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose). 8: You use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's. 9: You feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.10: The project partner tries to hire you.11: You forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you really like it in Southfield, MI. (Schaumburg, IL... Bethesda, MD... Norwood, MA...).12: You say "Whoopee! Half day!" when you leave at 10:00PM.13: Your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you sure don't look familiar.14: You start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home.15: You start referring to your laptop by a cute name.16: You are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow.17: You fantasize about zero-billing.18: "Vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home.19: You can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu.20: Writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times.21: You have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at General Cinemas (replace Gen. Cin. with your local movie theater).22: You have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes.23: The media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meaning for you.24: You forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car.25: New staff point at you and say, "That's him, that's the old guy...".26: Your resume' looks like a phone book.27: The client says your rates are too high, and you blush.28: You introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again.29: Your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend.30: You use the words "paradigm", "granularity", and "robust" in a single sentence.31: Someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?".32: You cry when your laptop won't start.33: You carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means.34: When other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "My last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ....".35: You have a day off, and you call work because you miss it.36: You write a workplan for your weekends.37: Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question.38: Before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are.39: Before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off.40: You call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer.41: A good lunch consists of vending machine snacks.42: A good dinner consists of vending machine snacks.43: A good breakfast consists of a warm Heineken and a cold Pop-Tart.44: You insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed.45: You can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is.46: You believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get.47: Instant coffee tastes good.48: You can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number.49: You file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks.50: You've been staying so long in the same hotel, you occasionally refer to it as "home".51: The hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week (this is not always good).52: The room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they know you'll be back next week anyway.53: You know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys.54: You get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do from your friends.55: Then you realize the hotel staff are your friends.56: You can list fifty-six (and counting) reasons why you have been a consultant for too long.57: You really think you understand the difference between "optics" and "perception".58: You try to find friends to fill your personal "white space".59: "Traction" becomes really important to you.